How to Function as an Alcoholic

A functional alcoholic is one who is addicted to alcohol but manages to fulfill their daily obligations, duties, and tasks without allowing their addiction to interfere. This article is written assuming the reader is already having difficulties in their life due to alcohol consumption and/or addiction.


  1. Acknowledge you have a problem which you are not willing to solve.
  2. Make sure you are sober when you go to work. Going to work drunk can get you fired, or your professional accreditations revoked. Always make sure that you are sober at work.
  3. Always keep your promises. Even drunk promises… If you can remember what they are. People judge, and blackouts equal alcoholics.
  4. Before you leave your home, apply fresh deodorant, brush your teeth, and floss. The major contributor to bad breath is the remains of food stuck between your teeth. In addition to mouthwash, it is a pretty good idea to brush the tongue and soft palette to cleanse the breath. Cologne/perfume may be used but in normal doses only. Excessive use will attract attention.
  5. Driving under the influence is very dangerous and people die as a result. “I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing” is not an excuse.
  6. Practice your speaking while drunk. Good luck! Others notice you slurring while you do not.
  7. Give your phone to someone else when you’re drinking or put it where it’s not easily accessible. This will help you avoid “drunk dialing” or “drunk texting.” Also, consider staying away from the computer to avoid e-mailing or instant messaging people while you’re drunk. You may say things you don’t want them to know or things you will otherwise regret saying.
  8. Realize that when you feel “buzzed” your alcohol level is probably higher than the legal limit because you’ve built up a tolerance. So, don’t even consider driving when you’re “just a little buzzed”
  9. When you get home from work, very quickly try to complete a few essential tasks related to keeping your job or the roof over your head. For example, quickly do your monthly rent transfer over the net, or quickly pen down a few solid points for an upcoming meeting at work. Do this over a ten or fifteen-minute period whilst drinking a cup of coffee so that you delay hitting the bottle immediately, and get essential things done. Make it a non-negotiable rule that you need to pause in this way for twenty minutes when you get home from work each day.

This is not an endorsement for living life as a functional alcoholic, but rather a bridge to a path towards sobriety

Speak Your Mind